I am 20 years old and at the uni now. I have never seen any kind of professional advisor, because I thought I could cope with my problems, until recently. I post it here, because somebody might be in a similar situation seeking help, too.
I was a shy, introverted guy at primary school and in college, and still am. I did not and do not drink alcohol at all, though am planning to have a nice first beer with my brother. Maybe it could have allowed me to relax in the past and party/make other people know me more, I do not know. I am not sure how relevant this may be, but my parents divorced 14 years ago. My brother was in his teens when that occured and he was devastated but I also endured a kind of a breakdown around a similar age as he did. My brother moved out very early. I stayed with my mother who has got a hell of a lot insecurities and I would often sink in her problems and try to fix her relationship with her parents (my mom is a teacher (working) and her parents also are (retired)). When I was 15, I had such a row with my mother that I almost fainted and an ambulance would take me. I moved out from her to her parents, which futher worsened their relation. This is sad to state, but I would rather confide in and trust a random person than anyone from my family, which is one of the reasons why I post this question here.
I am considered a mature, wise and intelligent person but I have trouble getting along with people, especially with women. I feel as though they can feel the bad vibe the second they see me and do not want to continue discussion, not saying of going on a date. I do not want to blame my mother, but I am inclined to believe it has taken some toll on me, because I can not stay with her for longer than 2-3 hours. We would talk normally, but after some time something inside of me would tell me to flee. I feel very sorry for her, and regret having told her about how I have felt about this, but she was pushing me to tell her why I had felt the way I had.
At school, I have always felt alone even though I had friends. Things like being chosen last on PE lessons would not bother me much then, but such relatively small nuisances are now re-emerging and cumulating.
Now, at the university, I have problems concentrating and can not put up with sad emotions, that is too much for me. I am afraid I will not make it to the 4th semester, and am even more afraid to tell my parents about it. Simple tasks are becoming overwhelmingly difficult to such an extent that I refrain from attending classes because I see no point in me going to them. I used to vent bad emotions by crying and I was used to it, because it seemed to have worked, at least for some time. But now, I can see it is deepening and last two times I felt I was a danger to myself.
I thought I was tough enough to get over this, but I feel that that strength is diminishing. At times I feel completely detached from my closest relatives, as though no bonds ever really existed. I do not know if this is insecurity, or me not being able to spot them because I try to suppress anything. Constant fear for the future and reminiscences of the past are very exhausting and debilitating. More and more often I can not help crying, it begins to take over me.
I am sorry for a long read, and thank you if you managed to go through all this text. I hope I made some sense out of it. Having written all this for some background I want to ask you, whether I should see a psychologist or go straight to a psychiatrist.